


Halfway (meet me)

by FlareWarrior



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Ghosts, M/M, Medium!Eggsy, Percival is just and idiot, Poltergeist!Percival, ghost!harry, it's not as cool as it sounds, rich idiot James, so he has to fake it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-11 00:14:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15960590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlareWarrior/pseuds/FlareWarrior
Summary: A day in the life of Eggsy Unwin: Psychic Medium.





	Halfway (meet me)

**Author's Note:**

> So I watched an old episode of Mission Impossible and got this idea. It wants to be longer, or a series or something. Who knows! I haven't slept in two days so that's the entire reason for any errors and randomness and nothing else! Definitely!

James's apartment could have received government relief, had its living population been higher.

The carpet was torn up in strips, the furniture ripped apart down to the seams, half his wardrobe strewn across the entire breadth of the floorplan among broken dishes and knickknacks.

Honey was splattered on the wall, shaping the words 'get out' and, originally, 'redrum'. A pillow hung from the slow-turning ceiling fan, dusting everything in a thin coating of feathers like a light snowfall.

"-and _that's_ when the microwave started playing o Fortuna-"

"It's probably a standard function on these new microwaves - is that a _salmon filet_ setting!?"

Instead of translating Harry's rising indignation, Eggsy asked: "Could it maybe have been an Easter egg?"

"It had the voices!!"

"Ah."

"Dead souls crying out at the bedeviling of food."

"Yes...yes, I can feel malevolence coming from this area of the room," Eggsy waved vaguely at Harry. Harry's eyebrows dared him to take the microwave's side. "You are being haunted by an evil spirit."

"I knew it!"

"Its...." Eggsy closed his eyes and tipped his head back, twiddling his fingers for effect.

"Oh not this again." Harry muttered. Eggsy ignored him.

"Oh, it's too powerful!" He stumbled back, almost tripped on a neatly folded computer monitor, and caught himself as dramatically as possible on the thankfully whole kitchen counter. "I can't contact it alone...I need-"

"I'm not helping you call that thing back here!" James declared.

"No, no...there's another way...Harry..." he reached out for Harry, and his unfocused gaze was plenty to see how unimpressed he was.

"Who's Harry?"

"My control," Eggsy replied, tone hushed. "He's an amplifier for my powers. The spirit of a very picky eater born under King George..."

"Which one?"

"Oh! Harry! He's too strong for me!"

"Why do you think I'll have any better luck than you would," Harry asked.

"Oh...Fortuna!"

"Just because it likes Carl Orff-"

"Nerd!"

"What?"

"Sorry, sorry," Eggsy made a show of straightening slowly.  "He's here now. Harry, the spirit...call the spirit here..."

"What?!" James's hand snapped to his decorative rolling pin, then away as he glanced wildly toward the chair leg sticking out of his desk. "Not while I'm in the room!"

"Oh he's coming!" Eggsy shouted. "The evil spirit is on its way - so much hate - so much powerrrrrrrrrr....and he's gone."

The door shut behind James with a resounding bang, and a few seconds later the soft chime of the elevator signaled his departure.

"Thank god. Much more of your acting and I think I might have died again."

"Always a critic." Eggsy picked himself up off the sofa where he'd pretended to faint and shoved his hands into his pockets. "What's his name?"

"Eggsy, I don't know _everyone_."

Eggsy waited.

Harry sighed.

"Fine. But I'll have you know he's very unpleasant"

"Thanks, Harry."

"Percival."

" _What_."

A spirit resolved itself partially from inside the stove.

"Stop blowing up this apartment long enough for Eggsy to get paid."

"No."

Percival started to fade back into stove. Eggsy shot Harry an imploring look. Harry's face was utterly unsympathetic.

When Percival was a disgruntled whiff of smoke, Harry cast his gaze heavenward and tried again.

"It's the food, isn't it."

"It's not _just the food_." Percival burst out in full color and form. "He's _abominable_. Look at this furniture." Eggsy had been trying not to. It was plaid. "He wakes up at four-thirty in the morning. He's _vegan_. And - " Percival dived towards a pile that looked like the contents of the fridge and came up with a navy-blue suit jacket. "See this? His suits are all three sizes too big and somehow one too small at the shoulder." Percival finished by shaking the jacket like it was deserving of some punishment and throwing it back on top of the lettuce.

"So you think he's hot then," Eggsy said.

Percival flushed a new, darker shade of red. "I in _no way_ -"

"I'm guessing you have some very specific areas on those suits you think should be taken in first." Eggsy got his hands up to hip level and just barely curved before Percival started shouting.

It lasted a good long while. Harry gave Eggsy a look that said 'see? unpleasant' while Percival rambled about James's irritating hygiene rituals and short marathon shorts and wrecked the house in a way that more or less didn't change the level of disaster. And then, slowly, he quieted.

"He's awful." Percival sulked, one hand flung over his eyes as he lay sprawled on the cushionless sofa.

"I'm sure, I'm sure," Eggsy agreed.

"Those _shoes_."

Percival waved at Harry in silent agreement.

"He's _alive_."

"He can hear you at least. Maybe if he's not scared out of his head he'll even talk to you," Eggsy tried.

"About what? His abhorrence of shampoo?"

"Hey, I didn't know what that shit did before Harry told me."

Percival dropped his hand enough to look at Harry with one entirely too sympathetic eye.

"He's a work in progress," Harry replied solemnly.

"Don't commiserate with the poltergeist." Eggsy elbowed Harry in the ribs and moseyed over to Percival. "Look, you've got your whole death ahead of you! There's no harm in hanging out with the living every so often. Just ask Harry!"

Percival looked at Harry. Harry's gaze turned pensive.

" _Harry_ ," Eggsy scolded.

Finally, Harry shrugged, hiding the quirk in his lips by speaking. "More or less, I suppose."

Eggsy did his best to look hurt.

"Alright, fine." Percival said at last with an expression that could only be described as a pout. He shoved himself upright angrily. "He can come back. But the furniture has got to go!"

Eggsy eyed the cottage cheese congealing into the inside of the sofa.

"Think you took care of that already."

A few long seconds passed.

"Oh, I ain't got his number."

"Eggsy," Harry began, exasperated.

"What? I knew where he lived! He's got to come back at some point anyway. Let's just clean up or something and wait."

 

James did, in fact, return later that night, with several religious symbols hanging off his person and a very large, suspiciously pointy cross in one hand.

"Oh," he said upon entering.

Spotless wasn't a word for the apartment, since it took more than a few hours to dig an entire pantry out of the nooks and crannies. Cleared was a better term. Like a fresh slate after a natural disaster.

The furniture was in many many pieces one hundred floors below, as promised.

Back on floor one hundred, James slowly lowered his big wooden cross.

"So he's gone?"

"He's..." Eggsy began. He looked at Harry.

"Mollified." Harry supplied unhelpfully.

"It turns out I was wrong - it wasn't an evil spirit. It was a....tainted...spirit...?"

"I'll show you a taint," Percival grumbled, so Eggsy continued on louder because he _just might_.

"Yes, a _tainted_ spirit. Something terrible happened here, and the sheer evil of the act filled this poor spirit with malice!" Eggsy made a show of wobbling, then caught himself again on the counter. Harry frowned at his proximity to the accursed microwave. "It took all I had, but I managed to purify the spirit. He's a good, kind, guiding spirit at heart, and he'll bless you with good fortune in return for all the trouble he's caused you." This he punctuated with a stern look at Percival. Percival shuffled his feet but didn't object.

The worried crease between James's brows remained, but the kitchen knives _were_ still stuck in the wall in a rough approximation of his outline. Percival had said they were the first decent bit of decor the apartment had seen since he died and refused to take them down.

"Well..." James hedged, "If you really think..."

"That's the spirit." Eggsy clapped him on the shoulder a bit more forcefully than was necessary. "If he gives you any trouble, you call me right back here and I'll give him the ol' vacuum trap."

James finally took his eyes off the entire volume of empty air in his apartment. "You really have those?"

"Let's hope," Eggsy said seriously, "you _never_ have to find out."

There was a deep, serious silence.

"Bye!" Eggsy chimed happily, heading for the door.

"Yes, bye," Harry replied, and was gone.

"What-Har- god damn it."

Eggsy raced off, leaving James feeling dazed and wrong-footed.

"Well," he said to himself (and Percival, by proximity, as Percival was trying to think of the least poltergeist-y way to launch his tie into the sun), "I'd best get some new furniture."

Miraculously, not one search on his laptop turned up plaid.

 

"That's not fair," Eggsy groused as he shouldered open the glass front door to his office.

"Did you have a nice walk?" Harry asked, flipping a page in his book. He was wearing glasses, which he would only do to emphasize just how long he'd been back and how very comfortable he'd gotten since.

Feeling petty, Eggsy stole them and set them on his own head. "Real nice. Poured the whole way."

"Terrible weather we've been having. Well, if that's all for today," the pattern in Eggsy's ratty old armchair was briefly visible through Harry.

"Wait!" Eggsy threw out a hand to stall him, but Harry's fade had subsided. Eggsy fought back a grin. "We have one more job."

Harry sighed his biggest sigh yet that day and shut his book, leveling Eggsy with a stern gaze.

"Promise me no more theatrics."

"None."

"And I won't have to counsel any more dead people. They're so _dramatic_."

"Harry, I promise you won't have to talk to a single soul."

"You're sure."

"Absolutely."

Harry's shoulders slouched. "Fine."

"Great." Eggsy lifted a box off the floor and dropped it onto the low table in front of Harry. "We're being audited. I need you to go through these and sort the finances."

"Are you-"

"Please, Harry!" Eggsy clapped his hands together and did his best to look pitiful. "You were rich when you were alive. You're way better with money than me. I'll cock this up and lose us this whole office."

"I don't need an office."

"Come on. Imagine how much worse my fashion would be if I were homeless."

There was a long, angry silence. Then, at last: " _Fine_."


End file.
